Well, it's been a month since I posted last.  I wanted enough time to pass by so that I could see how things are working.
I'm still on my Mediterranean diet for the most part.  It's been interesting eating a lot more fruits and vegetables and not so much meat.  I still have a ways to go to be totally on this diet, but I think I'm doing well for a start.  I've been watching tv shows and reading books on this diet to get some more variety in my diet.
I'm walking about 2 1/2 miles a day several times a week.  I'm not walking as much as I like to, so this is something else I'd like to work on.  I do enjoy the feeling of finishing a walk and knowing that I got out in the sun and out of the house.  I try to walk 40 minutes a day and would eventually like to start jogging, but I need to make this a habit first.
I'm spending a lot more time out of the house than I did before my hospitalization and it feels like a whole new world has opened to me.  I'd been so intent on "protecting" myself by staying in my apartment that I didn't realize how fun it could be going out to a store, even if it is just to window shop.
I am still procrastinating a bit, especially with cleaning, writing, doing crafts etc.  But I'm reading about 5-6 books and watching shows on the Food Network to teach myself how to cook better.  I'm nervous about cleaning as I threw my back out last time I cleaned.  So I got one of the roomba (sp?) vacuums that vacuums the floor on it's own without humans.  I'm hoping this will help with the back problems.
I have noticed that I've tried to keep so busy so that I don't think about my problems, which isn't very productive, but I'm hoping once I learn more coping mechanisms from my therapist that should dissapate some.
I'm still on only 20mg of Paxil, the lowest dose of any anti-depressents in about 15 years, so I'm happy about that.  Strangely, the Gabapentin and Hydroxizine have been too high of doses and have been making me sleepy during the day.  I've gone from 300mg of Gabepentin and 50mg of Hydroxizine to 100mg of Gabapenting and 30mg of Hydroxizine and I'm still a little sleepy in the morning, so it needs tweaking, but I think I'm close to finding a happy medium so that I'm not sleepy during the day.
My therapy sessions have been good so far.  We're working on my work problems.  I explained to her what had been going on for the last week and she just couldn't believe the chaos and asked what in the world my boss was doing about any of this and just shook her head when I answered, "nothing".  The entire clinic is in this training to learn how to get along better.  It's fascinating, but we all have a long ways to go.  But it is making me more aware of the problems and what I can do to stop being a part of the problem and be a part of the solution.  I realize that I'm very much a perfectionist at work and demand that my co-workers be perfectionists, which isn't fair to them.  I'm trying to learn to let things go and still not see things so much in black and white and more of a gray area.
I still have a lot of anxiety, which has also been causing problems with sleep but I refuse to get back on Benzodiazepines.  I have a supplement called L-Theanine that I take when it's bad, but I don't take it a lot as it tends to make me drowsy.  Still trying to learn to cope with them.  I need to let things go, especially the things I can't control like what people think about me.  I've still got a long ways to go toward my mental health, but I think I'm finally on the right track.

I've had problems with depression ever since I could remember.  I know I experienced a lot of it during my childhood, but didn't know it was "depression".  I just thought I was a "bad person". I didn't realize it had a name until I was in my 20s and was diagnosed with it.  No one in my family knew, although I think it was said that I was moody a lot.
I'm actually better now that I'm on antidepressants.  Before the meds, I was angry all the time and sarcastic.  I had all or nothing thinking.  I saw black or white, there was no gray.
I've been hospitalized several times, and have now decided that I don't want to be hospitalized anymore because of this stupid depression.  So I'm bound and determined to find out what will help me get this major depressive disorder into remission and stay there.
I was in the hospital last week for a week due to my severe depression.  It's not fun at all, especially when it's at the same hospital you work at and the other patients are patients you see or have to take care of when  you get out.  It was a very awkward and upsetting experience.
While I was in the hospital, the doctor took me off of my sleeping pills (Ambien) and my anxiety meds (Lorazepem).  That was pretty hard considering I'd been on both for about two years.  In four days I slept about seven hours.  I was stressed out, having anxiety attacks.  One night I just sobbed until I fell asleep due to pure exhaustion.  I was so frustrated that I couldn't just "make" my body sleep.  Fortunately, my body got out of the "withdrawal" stage and I am sleeping well with Neurontin (a nerve relaxant) and Hydroxyzine (an anti anxiety med that is not addictive).
So I was discharged Tuesday and back to work on Wednesday.  I've been doing research and trying to figure out how to combat this depression.  They switched my antidepressants from Cymbalta to Paxil and the Paxil seems to be working well.
I bought a Yoga DVD especially for depression and anxiety.  I bought a couple of Meditation CDs to learn to relax and be able to stop those racing thoughts I get when I'm in bed and trying to sleep.  I'd love to be able to go to sleep without the help of any medications.
I've been doing research and have found that diet has a lot to do with depression.  Being single, I've never been one to eat right.  It's no fun cooking if it's just you.  But studies have shown a Mediterranean diet actually helps lower depression symptoms, so I'm going to try it and see if it works.
I have a book I'm reading called "The Feeling Good Workbook" by David Burns.  It's based on Cognitive Therapy.  In short, it teaches you to rewire your brain so the negative distorted thoughts that I have can change into positive real thoughts and help with depression.  I've never had any self esteen and have always hated myself, and I believe that cognitive therapy will be beneficial for me.
I started seeing a therapist yesterday (A Long Way From Home).  She's Christian and we kind of clicked from the start.  She really got me to open up and her goal is to help me process any bad stuff so I can face it and let it go.  I'm scheduled to see her once a week for an hour for at least the next year.  I've never been in real intense therapy before, so we'll see how this goes, getting rid of all of the skeletons in my closet.
Well, I guess this is good for my first blog.  I'll continue to write as much as I can and keep up to date on what is working and what is not to combat depression.